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When news of George Romero's Diary of the Dead hit the internets, I was ecstatic. Say what you will about his decades-long bout with mediocrity after Day of the Dead; 2005's Land of the Dead proved the maestro still knows his zombies. Then came the rumors: the horror this time around would be "edgy" and "real," captured on drab DV—"the Blair Witch of zombie flicks!"—and I started getting nervous. Now the Pittsburgh Tribune drops this bomb:

Zombie fans take heart that the closing quotation mark occurs before the "podcasting" remark, because it leaves open the possibility that this is just bad reporting. But if not . . . "Lots" of references to podcasting? Really? I guess it could work—if and only if it features an undead George Romero, eating the brains of every member of the focus group who wrote the word "podcasting" on whatever horror movie survey those Hollywood marketing hacks cooked up. And even then, I'd probably wait for it to show up on cable.

It's a very special billboard that inspires one to make a crosstown pilgrimage in the rain. I don't know how Christmas is celebrated in other parts of the country, but here on the North Coast we spend the day gambling and riding around on toy motorcycles, while topless women wash our aluminum siding. Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Also, regular visitors may want to check out a useful new website I discovered, called "The You-Tube." It's hosting a handful of my sweet videos; I just hope the server can handle the resulting torrent of traffic.

My first day on the job was Wednesday, April 19. I took half-a-day off of work and spent the morning at Burke Lakefront Airport, where I found out I wasn't going to be an ordinary extra. Extras who drive cars undergo special training, earning the title "precision driver," and also earning an additional $15 per day.

There were about fifty of us there, studying under a dude in an Australian hat and sunglasses named Scotty. (I'm still not sure of Scotty's title--stunt coordinator, maybe?) Scotty broke us up into groups of eight or so, and then instructed each group, in turn, in the fine art of movie driving. Movie driving, I discovered, bears little resemblance to real-life driving. For starters, in real life, you normally don't have to worry about making room for the car chase that is transpiring around you. In movie driving, this is achieved by keeping yourself in a "weave formation" (also known as a "zipper pattern"):

Well, I spent last week as an extra in Spider-Man 3.

Nearly a month ago, Ken noticed an announcement in The Plain Dealer about an open casting call at Tower City. On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I dragged him and Sally along to the auditions. We waited in line for about two hours with what turned out to be four thousand other hopefuls, roughly divided into three major groups:

1. Acting nerds. About 30% of the turnout came armed with glossy 8x10 headshots and a resume of every community theater production they'd ever appeared in. Each one was determined that this would be his or her ticket out of Cleveland, apparently under the delusion that most Hollywood stars start out as extras. I have nothing but contempt and sympathy for these people.
2. Fan boys. Maybe 50% of the total could be classified as comic book nerds and film geeks, counting on their encycopedic knowledge of Spidey's villains and/or Sam Raimi's early films to give them an edge. A number of these guys (and believe me, they were all male) believed that wearing their kilt or D&D costume would get them noticed, forgetting that the point of being an extra is to not get noticed.
3. Confused thrillseekers. The rest were folks who saw the announcement in the paper and thought the audition itself would be a fun way to spend their time, regardless of whether or not they ended up getting cast. Some of them were just out shopping, saw the line and jumped in, not knowing what was at the end, but confident it would be something to talk about on Monday morning.

I like to consider myself in the third group, but who am I kidding: at best, I'm a cross between all three.

When we finally made it to the head of the line, we discovered that the audition process for this kind of gig consists of filling out a form, stapling your picture to it, and handing it to one of several members of the casting team. The woman who took my form said that I looked young enough to play a teenager; they needed people to play prep school kids, and she put my form in the pile of candidates. I was excited that, for once in my life, this baby face might get me something other than carded.

The studio called me on Thursday evening to let me know I'd been cast; Sally and Ken were left hanging. Why me? It turns out it wasn't my boyish looks. (I should have known it wouldn't give me that much of an edge: at the auditions, adolescent-looking men-children like me greatly outnumbered any other minority of interest, including women.) So was it my incredible acting range? The expressiveness and comely symmetry of my face? I'm sure all of these contributed to the decision, but there are a lot of good-looking, fantastic actors out there (Ken and Sally among them).

Two qualities put me over the top. First and foremost, I wrote on my audition form that I was available for entire the shoot; they didn't end up calling anyone who wasn't free all nine days. Second was my car. It turns out my beige 2005 Corolla is just the right amount of boring to appear in the background of the car chase scene they planned to film downtown. Sally seems a little disappointed that, in all likelihood, you won't be able to see my face or body on screen; but I maintain that careful driving can be one of the most powerful forms of self-expression.

Next time: the thrill of being a $75-a-day movie star . . .

I've been trying to sell my deluxe VHS copy of The Phantom Menace on eBay for nearly a month now. I just posted the item for a fourth time (each time costs me a quarter). This time, as part of the listing, I included an original screenplay starring the winning bidder. And if that doesn't work, I'll try something even gimmickier . . . so stay tuned!

Recently, the 'orb came down with a nasty bout of webrot which took it out of commission for a couple of weeks. We've switched hosts and things appear to be looking up. Check back soon for new (and old) content.